Some time after Ness & Lucas: The Last Adventure
Ness, Lucas, and their friends returned to school...Oh, and Luigi, he's there too. Samus was once again the teacher of their class.
"Now, you see, guys. As soon as Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald in front of a crowd..." Samus said, before Luigi interrupted her.
"Ms. Aran, may I go to the bathroom?" Luigi, the douchebag of the class, said.
"Not now, Luigi"
"But ma'am, I need to go! I'm just gonna piss myself here, fine!"
Ashley, the person sitting next to Luigi, yelled. "No, NO! Samus, let him go to the bathroom, besides, the class is better without this idiot."
"Alright, fine, just go to the bathroom already." Samus said. Luigi got up.
"As I was saying, when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald..."
A spraycan sizzling was heard. Ness and Lucina started chuckling.
"Um...Ma'am..." Jeff said.
"Not now, Jeff." Samus told him.
"Samus..." Ashley said.
"Not now, Ashley, I'm busy!"
"Samus!" Falco yelled. Samus sighed.
"What do you guys want?!"
"LOOK BEHIND YOU, YOU STUPID IDIOT!" Falco yelled. Samus looked behind her. She finally realized Luigi never left the room.
Samus' face turned red.
"Uh...I think Ashley sprayed this onto your wall. Don't worry, Ms. Aran, I'll wipe it down for you." Luigi said. Samus started shaking in anger. Then, she picked up the potted plant right next to her desk, and chucked it at Luigi. Luigi ducked and the plant shattered.
"CLASS IS DISMISSED, MOTHER LOVERS. GOODBYE, DON'T COME BACK WITH THIS GUY." Samus said, running out of the room.
"...But we have like 25 minutes of class left...Nevermind." Ness said, just happy that Samus wasn't there anymore. "Well, it looks like we're off now."
As soon as everyone else in class stands up to walk off, Luigi notices something that dropped from the inside of the plant.
"Hey, guys. There's some note hidden in this plant..."
Luigi picks up the note.
"What does it say?" Lucas asked. Luigi looked annoyed.
"...These are the directions to find the treasure of the great Ridley. For those who win it, shall lose it, and those who lose it, shall win it." Luigi read.
"Treasure..." Ashley said, smiling.
"Huh? What does that mean?" Falco asked.
"Well, if I knew what it meant, I'd tell you, moron." Luigi replied. He kept on reading. "The treasure is located at..."
Luigi stop reading there and raised an eyebrow.
"Well, where is it located?" Lucina asked.
"It's located at exactly none of your business, you edgy emo weeaboo!"
"Well, can't we go out there and find it?" Ness asked.
"Why the hell would I want to share MY winnings with you guys? Smell ya' later, losers!" Luigi said. He tried to walk away.
"Wait! What if we gave you something?"
"Well, um...What if none of us talk to you for the rest of the entire year?"
"Hmm...Maybe, but I'm gonna use Lucas."
"Me? Why me?" Lucas asked, suspicious.
"Because, Lucas, you're the perfect person to be my personal bi-..."
"Ok, you can keep Lucas. Now, can we have the directions? I kinda want the treasure." Ashley asked.
"Wait...You said "I kinda want...", so what about us? You're not gonna share with us?" Lucina said.
"That's right! What about us?! I kinda want all treasure myself, but if I'm the one who found it, I'm gonna get nothing, aren't I?!" Jeff said.
"Guys, GUYS! How about this: All of the boys vs all of the girls, excluding Lucas. Whoever gets the treasure first, shares 80% of their findings with ME." Luigi said to everyone.
"WHOA! 80%?! You're insane!" Falco yelled.
"You think you can steal from us and just walk away?" Lucina asked.
"Yeah..." Luigi replied. "Guys, I'm gonna give only one of you guys the map, whichever one of you guys gets it, you immediately have an advantage, of course! Just don't suck my balls to get it."
"Yeah, yeah, but why 80-freakin'-percent?" Jeff asked.
"Because I'M GIVING YOU IDIOTS THE DAMN DIRECTIONS."
"Wait, why excluding me?" Asked Lucas.
"Luigi, if I may say, I think you should give the team to the woman...Or man, that deserves it the most and has been the least annoying to you, since they'd be the one proven worthy." Ashley told him.
"Yeah! And if you think about it, I'm the one who's talked the least! As a matter of fact, this is the first time I've talked this entire story! SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME THE DIRECTIONS." Claus told him.
"Hey! Don't force Luigi to give you what you don't deserve!" Ashley told Claus.
"Up yours, you stupid..."
10 minutes later
Luigi gets on the classroom computer to create a copy of the directions. Ashley and Claus are still arguing, while Lucas watches Luigi.
"How many copies are you gonna make?" Lucas asked Luigi. Luigi leaned closer to Lucas, so that no one else hears what he says.
"I'm making two copies for both teams, I've got a plan. The original directions are useless, don't tell anyone that. This is all a trick." Luigi whispered.
15 minutes later, during their recess (???), Luigi approached the loner and stoner, Jeff. He was laying next to a garbage can for no particular reason.
"Hey, Jeff! Man, I have something for you."
Luigi gave him a copy of the directions
"You're giving me the directions? But why?"
"Well, you're the smartest of them all, so I trust you to be the one that can find the treasure easily."
"Thanks...But I don't do this kind of stuff. I'm not in, I'd rather have all the treasure for myself." Jeff said, about to throw the directions away. Luigi looked worried, because if he can't find it, then neither can Luigi, unless the girls could find it too.
"Wait! What if I told you I'll pay for all of the alcohol you need in the future?"
"...Sounds like a plan. I'm in." Jeff said. Luigi handed him a bottle of booze.
"You won't regret it, trust me. Keep on drinkin', bro."
"Thanks, I'll give this to the guys later."
"Cool. Now, do you know where Lucina is? Gotta give her something."
Jeff points at the playground. Luigi sees her swinging on the swingset alone, while some other kids were in a playground brawl. Luigi gets on the other swing.
"Hey, Lucina! So, don't tell the other guys I'm giving you this. This is a copy of the directions from earlier."
"Copy? Why a copy? Can't you just give me the original?"
"No, I'm keeping it for safety."
"Well, thanks for the directions, but I don't want to share ANYTHING with you, Mr. Kermit the Frog's extra testicle. I'm not in, you can go shove it and give it to Ashley or something."
"Whoa! Calm down, you damn feminist! Normally, I WOULD give it to Ashley, but she's too busy doing something right now, unlike Ms. Lazy ol' you, and besides, she's been annoying me a bit today, along with Claus."
"I told you, I'm not in! Get lost!"
"Alright, but what if I gave you my sunglasses I used?" Luigi asked, pulling out a pair of ray-bans. Lucina sighed.
"...Those glasses DO look cool, though...Alright, I can't say no...I'm in!"
"Great! You look good in those, now. You won't regret this! Oh, and by the way, you must do this exactly right after school, apparently there's some magic portal that opens up at some certain time or something."
Five hours later, Ness, Claus, Jeff, and Falco met each other and
"Ok, so it says "STEP 1: Roll into a morph ball and roll 30 meters to the back of the school until you are greeted by a fence.
"...So, uh..."Jeff said.
"...Do we really have to do that crap?" Ness asked.
"Yeah, if we wanna find the treasure, we gotta be accurate." Jeff said, trying to flex his body enough to turn into a ball.
"None of us have the ability to turn into a morph ball, so I guess we're just gonna...keep on rollin', baby...You know what time it is!"
The boys start rolling over the place, except Falco, who was just following the morons.
In a classroom, Luigi was peeking out the window
"These suckers are really falling for it!
Elsewhere, at the swimming pool
"Ok, so it says here "STEP 1: Swim across the pool until you get to the vent on the other side."
Do we REALLY have to swim?" Lucina asked Ashley.
"Nah, let's just walk around. How much you wanna bet the guys would actually do this?" Ashley asked, chuckling.
Behind the school
"STEP 2: Get onto the roof, screwattacking your way there. Do NOT use the fence, the crates, or the nearby ladder to get to the roof. Those items are cursed by me, Ridley.
" So...None of us can screwattack." Jeff said.
"Nope, but maybe you guys can just climb on my shoulders." Falco said.
"Right! Let's do it up the house!" Claus said. Ness got on top of Falco, while Claus got on top of Ness (clawing his eyes while at it), and Jeff got on top of Claus. Jeff lost his balance and fell to the floor at first.
"STEP 2: Go to the nearest women's bathroom at the time 4:00 PM, precisely. A magical portal will open from the toilet. You must jump inside, do NOT worry, it's completely safe!"
Um. That's disgusting. Well, it's 3:56 right now, so let's just go inside." Lucina said. Her and Ashley walked in. They knew someone was there too, so they just waited until they came out...They were surprised to see who did.
"Oh, Mr. Scout, you complete me!" Samus said, walking out of a stall with a Scout cutout. She looked shocked, after noticing her two students.
"...What are you guys doing in here." Samus said.
"We're looking for treasure. Wanna come with us?" Ashley asked.
"Treasure?! Who told you guys there was treasure around?"
"Luigi, but technically Rid-..." Ashley gets cut off by Samus.
"LUIGI?! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN! I'M GONNA KILL THAT KID! Now you guys know my secret!" Samus yelled, running out of the bathroom. Suddenly, a magical portal opened up inside of a toilet.
"Well, here goes nothing" Ashley said, plugging her nose. Her and Lucina jumped right in.
On the roof
"STEP 3: There is a hatch leading to the inside of the locked-forever janitor's closet. Open the hatch and go inside, there is a pipe inside that will transport you to the next location
"" Jeff read. Everyone jumped in.
A few steps later
"Alright, guys. Final step, get to the nearest tree and start digging nearby." Jeff told everyone.
"Hey, we're at the final step! We gotta get to the nearest tree and dig for nearby treasure." Lucina told Ashley.
They get to the nearest tree.
"Hey, what are you guys doing here?! Were you guys following us the entire time?" Ness asked.
"What are YOU doing here?! Luigi gave US the map! You must've stolen the original from him, haven't you?" Ashley told him.
"Guys, can we just start digging?! I don't want us to fight anymore, we can just share everything for us! At least we get some riches, won't we? Please, can we just get this over with?" Lucina said.
"Good idea." Claus said, teleporting away. He teleported back with more shovels for Ness, Jeff, and himself. Falco, Lucina, and Ashley already had one.
An hour later
As everyone continues digging out more garbage and props, Claus flings dirt at Ashley.
"Hey, Ginger-Lucas, knock it off!" Ashley said, flinging dirt at Claus. Claus ducks and Ashley actually flings dirt at Lucina.
"Two can play at that game!" Claus said, flinging more dirt around at everyone. Everyone stopped digging, except for Ashley and Claus, who were in a dirt fight.
Everyone rolled their eyes at the two idiots and kept digging, until Lucina hits something.
"Guys! I hit something!" She said, bringing out an ice-cooler. Everyone crowded her to see what's inside. Lucina rubbed her hands together and smiled.
Ness smiled. "You ready to see what's inside?"
Lucina opened the cooler.
Everyone was met with utter disappointment.
"...A broken beer bottle, and a rotten sandwich...Wait, WHY AGAIN ARE WE FOLLOWING LUIGI?" Falco realized.
"For those who win it, shall lose it, and those who lose it, shall win it..." Claus realized. "So, that's what it's all about."
"This was all a trick! Damn that green guy!" Jeff said. They all packed up the garbage and went back to Ness' house, where Luigi was there.
"Luigi, can I play now? I've never played Melee, I was so close, but Ness replaced me." Lucas asked.
"No, now shut up and just watch and learn! You see, the key to wavedashing perfectly..." Luigi is cut off by the gang, who storms into the room.
"Luigi! You hid that note in the plant, didn't you?! You knew one day Samus was gonna break that plant, so you just waited until she freaked out until you had a good opportunity to strike us, didn't you?!" Lucina said.
"Me? Come on, why would I ever want to do that to you guys? You're my friends!"
"Yeah, and since we're such GREAT friends, you can have all of our findings, rather than just 80%! Here you go!" Ashley said. Her and Jeff dumped out an entire load of garbage onto him and Lucas. Everyone walks out except for Lucas.
"Get this garbage off of me!" Luigi yelled. Lucas started playing with a couple items.
"Cool! A "V for Victory" mug! Double cool! A fake Western-style gun! Extra cool! A dinosaur tooth!" Lucas said, sticking the tooth into his hair.
"Wait...A dinosaur tooth? That must be worth alot! We gotta find out where they were digging, there MUST be more treasure nearby! I thought I just gave them fake directions! I typed up some random Metroid gibberish!"
"Huh, weird. Well, we gotta find the maps."
"Yeah, but I'm keeping 80% of the treasure, remember that."
"Wait, what happened to the original map? Lucas, I gave it to you, where'd you put it?"
Lucas and Luigi leave Ness' house. They find him and Lucina hiding behind the Onett drug store.
"Hey, fellas! First off, I wanna apologize, and let's make things quick: Can I please have the maps back?" Luigi asked.
"Why? Don't you have the original? Or did you give it to the girls?" Ness asked.
"No, he gave us a copy too." Lucina said.
"See, it's a funny story. The original one is inside your sewers, after Lucas used it."
"There was no toilet paper! You said it was useless anyways!"
"Whatever, you guys can keep it." Lucina said, handing them her map as Ness hands them his map.
Luigi and Lucas walk off
"Let's go in the middle of the night, don't go to sleep. No one will see us sneak out." Luigi whispered.
A few hours later, 2:00 AM
Luigi and Lucas were now at a baseball field.
"Huh, there aren't any holes around where they dug." Luigi noticed.
"Maybe they covered them up?"
"Oh well, let's just get digging." Luigi said, handing Lucas the shovel.
"Wait! Are you gonna dig too?"
"Yeah, I'll dig soon enough."
"How do I know you're not just gonna make me dig everything?"
"Here, sign this contract." Luigi said, handing Lucas the contract.
"Um...I can't see anything, shine the light here, will you?" Lucas told him.
"It's just the basic "I get 80%, I'll do half the digging", blah blah blah."
"Ugh. Alright, fine." Lucas said, signing the contract.
Five hours later
Lucas is STILL digging, he's tired.
"Will you hurry up, the sun's rising!" Luigi said.
"ME?! I'VE DONE ALL THE DIGGING SO FAR! HOW ABOUT YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ONCE?! I'M ABOUT TO BUST YOUR HEAD RIGHT HERE!" Lucas snapped.
"Whoa, chill out, man! I'll do the rest of the digging, no worries." Luigi said, as he grabbed the shovel and dug a bit more. Lucas climbed out of the dirt mound, while the gang showed up.
"Well, well, well, you guys really fell for it!" Ness said.
"What?" Lucas asked.
"You see, me and Lucina knew you guys were gonna need the map back one day to prank other people with it, so we buried it at the site where we REALLY dug and gave you a fake map we typed up ourselves."
"And lookie here, you guys have been staying up for a long time, judging by Lucas' state of mind, haven't you?" Ashley said.
"You guys look so stupid!" Falco said, laughing. Everyone started laughing, except Lucas and Luigi.
"Wait, then what was the dragon tooth?" Lucas asked.
"That was a drago fang! You know, the one that killed Hinawa?! Yeah, I kept that for a long time! I just covered it up in dirt and gave it to you, since we came up with this plan on the way here!" Claus said, laughing. Lucas started crying. Falco slapped Claus for spilling the beans.
"No...No, you're wrong...YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm going to DIG OUT MORE TREASURE MYSELF!"
"Luigi, just remember, if you actually do find any, I keep half." Lucas said.
"NO! That contract you signed stated quite clearly that you said yourself, I keep ALL of the treasure! It's ALL there, black and white, CLEAR AS CRYSTAL! YOU signed that contract, you rubbed that pencil across the paper, which now rests in history forever, so you GET...NOTHING! You LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!" Luigi yelled as he kept digging.
Lucas looked in shock.
"You're a crook...You're a cheat, and a swindler! That's what you are! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS?! Build up a little boy's hopes, and them smashing them to pieces! You're an INHUMAN MONSTER!" Lucas yelled.
"I SAID GOOD DAY!" Luigi yelled, again. He kept digging.
"Come on, Lucas, let's get out of here. I feel bad for you already." Ness said. Luigi still kept digging.
"I struck gold! I struck silver! I struck..." Luigi hits something metal with the shovel. Everyone looked back at him, to see if he really did find treasure.
"Well?" Falco asked.
"I struck...An iron pipe?" Luigi asked. He removed his shovel. Suddenly, a water pipe bursted!
"Oh my word! Everyone, RUN!" Lucas yelled. Everyone ran away from the digging site, leaving Luigi behind as he tries to climb out of the hole but to no avail. Someone found out that they were digging in their baseball field.
"GUYS! HELP! I'M STUCK!" Luigi yelled. Samus walked over to the hole.
"There's a very deep hole in the middle of my infield..." Samus said, approaching the hole with a baseball bat. Luigi kept screaming.
"SPORTACUS! HALP!" Luigi screamed.
"Eventually, this hole will fill up with water, and this SCUM will float to the top!"
Samus got closer, Luigi kept screaming. The dirt was too slippery to climb out.
"Then, LUIGI...Heh, you will be MINE!"
Based on the Salute Your Shorts episode "The Treasure of Sara Madre"
Rest in peace, Luigi.